Live Free or Die Hard

The only calm, serene parts of this movie are when Bruce Willis thinks to himself, “Hmm…what else can I drive car into?” Don’t worry, he comes up with a lot of different ideas, including, my favorite, where he miraculously gets an SUV inside and down an elevator shaft. Explosions and action are very, very, awesome and almost non-stop.

I have to say, I really had my doubts about this movie. I am a huge Die Hard fan, so I was going to see the movie even if Bruce Willis told me himself that it was a piece of shit. I was however pleasantly surprised that it was not horrible. Now, it was no Die Hard or Die Hard with a Vengeance, but honestly not bad. There are amazing action sequences with almost every type of vehicle ever made. Bruce Willis at 157 years old is still one of the sexiest men in the movie business. Forgetting the fact that he could be my dad, Bruce’s ass-kicking in this movie has further cemented his status on my “Top 10 List of Celebrities with Whom My Boyfriend Will Allow Me One Night of Passion” (looking for a more concise title) he is now somewhere between Johnny Depp and Fry from Futurama.

A couple things I could have done without were: (1) the completely asexual kid from the mac commercials. Oh my God, has anyone in the world ever had less sex appeal than this kid? If the movie producers wanted a nerd, who makes quick jokes Bruce Vilanch would have made a more attractive alternative to Justin Long and his emaciated panda-like features.

(2) The villain. Whoever that dolt of an actor is, I want to punch him in the face. His vomit-inducing acting was not helping the fact that his character had little to no motive to do any of the scary things he did in the movie. Worst of all he was in the Hitman trailer as the main character. As if a Hitman movie isn’t bad enough, it is guaranteed that this guy and his stupid face are going to be in the public eye again. Ick.

Basically, this movie is exactly what you expect it to be, a fun, action packed film filled with physical and technical impossibilities and somewhat of a plot. If you expect any oscar-worthy performances or writing, well then you’re just dumb.

Rats are cute if they are animated

In Ratatouille, Brad Bird, a rare disappointment (Iron Giant, The Incredibles), strikes again with a sweet, not-just-for-kids comedy. Of course, the movie began with a very funny short film called Lifted, which truly spoke to my inner sci-fi nerd. Cute, little aliens…I’m there. Ratatouille, the story of an artistically frustrated rat named Remy (Patton Oswalt) trying to make it in the world of Parisian culinary arts, brings about a sigh of relief for moviegoers thus-far disappointed with summer blockbusters. “Finally!” you will exclaim, “A movie this summer that didn’t grossly fall short of my expectations!”

The animation was vibrant and scarily realistic, especially in the scenes with swarms of rats scurrying around kitchens. I could almost smell the delicious food cooking up on the screen. Bird has cleverly balanced making animation look real and still keep that cartoony, fantasy feel. Remy’s big eyes, cute nose, and squeaks really win you over, but just when you resolve to get that pet rat, the words TUBERCULOUSIS or BUBONIC PLAGUE sporadically flash across your mind, and that is a tribute to the very realistic animation. It would be gross, if it wasn’t so cute.

But animation is not everything. Let us not forget the hemorrhoid-twisting torture of sitting through Shark Tale. The story, like rats, is warm and fuzzy, but not overly-sentimental. It is a film about friendship, equality, and following your dreams. To not like this movie you must either have no sense of humor or a cold, cold heart. Excluding The Grinch, Senator Palpatine, or Dick Cheney, everyone will enjoy this movie.